My husband and I were discussing modesty and Latter-day Saint women the other day after I was reading of the recent kerfuffle in the blogosphere over an upcoming March Ensign article about morality. We were discussing what a person's responsibility was when it comes to modesty, so my husband Jon posed a question to our 6 year old son, Owen.
"Owen, why should a woman be modest?"
Owen didn't even stop to think more than a second before responding, "To show respect for her body and Heavenly Father."
I was very proud of him at that moment and glad that at least something I'm teaching him has sunk in.
Modesty is a bit of a pet issue for me. Jon will attest that I've spent a lot of time going on about my opinions on modesty, how it relates to women and it's place both in our religion and in our culture. Owen's response about sums up my most basic ideas on modesty.
Modesty is about me and my relationship with my Heavenly Father. It isn't about other people, it isn't about fitting in to some standard set by the world, it isn't about pleasing family or friends. I believe that Heavenly Father has set guidelines for me and given them through His living prophets, and those are the principles I follow.
In Proverbs 31:10 it asks, "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies." As a Latter-day Saint, I am striving to be counted as a virtuous woman in the eyes of the Lord. What the world or even those in my own Church think of me is ultimately immaterial. What Heavenly Father thinks of me is paramount.
The principle of modesty has never changed. In the Garden of Eden, before Adam and Eve ate of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, they "were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed" (Genesis 2:25). It was only after they came to a knowledge of their nakedness that they felt the need to be covered, and afterwards Heavenly Father gave them clothing to cover their bodies. Never does Heavenly Father tell Adam and Eve that their bodies are dirty or something to be ashamed of, nor does He give this as a reason for clothing them.
Jon and I recently finished teaching a class on marriage and family relations at Church. It was a great class and we really enjoyed teaching it, especially together. One thing that we emphasized several times during the class was the importance of understanding that our bodies are sacred, and that sexuality is also sacred. I think one of the biggest disservices we do ourselves and our children is teaching and thinking that sexual intimacy is dirty and our bodies are something to be ashamed of.
Nothing could be farther from the truth.
Our bodies are a sacred and precious gift from a loving Father, a gift that must be cherished and kept safe. Our bodies were created the way they are for very specific reasons. The simple fact that sex feels good is evidence that our Heavenly Father loves us and wants us to find joy and fulfillment in sexual intimacy. Because this is such a special and sacred gift, Heavenly Father also gave us guiding principles and commandments to teach us when and where it is appropriate to express sexual intimacy. It is to be expressed only between a man and woman once they are married.
Because our bodies are so sacred and precious, and because sexual intimacy is something reserved for married couples, modesty is important to keeping our bodies sacred and special. We show respect for our bodies, ourselves, our Heavenly Father and the sacredness of sexual intimacy by showing modesty in our dress.
One thing I notice in my religion is an emphasis, in talks and lessons, on the modesty of women. Often this is portrayed as a double standard, or as placing the responsibility for men's behavior on women. I think that Elder D. Todd Christofferson put it best in his October 2013 General Conference address, "The Moral Force of Women".
Elder Christofferson said, "By praising and encouraging the moral force in women, I am not saying that men and boys are somehow excused from their own duty to stand for truth and righteousness, that their responsibility to serve, sacrifice, and minister is somehow less than that of women or can be left to women. Brethren, let us stand with women, share their burdens, and cultivate our own companion moral authority."
I teach my children that they are responsible to be modest to show respect for themselves and Heavenly Father. A woman is not responsible for what a man thinks, does or says. Women and men are responsible to dress modestly to show respect for their own sacred physical bodies.
That does not mean that how a woman or a man dresses doesn't have an affect on those around them.
I explained it to my husband like this. My oldest child Owen likes to tease his little brother Wes. Wes has a tendency to react to this by hitting his brother. Wes is absolutely responsible for his own actions and his brother's teasing does not excuse his behavior. He is responsible to learn to control his behavior despite the presence of an outside force. But Owen is also responsible because he knows it is his job to be kind to everyone, especially his younger siblings.
By that token, a man dressing immodestly and strolling down the street does not give me an excuse for ogling him or thinking immoral thoughts, but that doesn't excuse the fact that he has dressed immodestly. I need to be responsible for controlling my thoughts, actions and words, and he needs to be responsible for dressing appropriately.
I have two boys and one little girl, and when I look at the doctrines and the commandments that have been given regarding modesty and morality, I find them to be the same for both genders. In their dress, both men and women are expected to be equally modest. Where the clothing lines should come to are the same. However, when the topic of modesty comes up, I often see two things happen. When someone comes out in defense of the Church's modesty standards, they often only discuss it's application to women. Then, in response, critics accuse the modesty standards of being unfair to women, oppressive or even abusive.
What I wonder is, why does no one get upset about the modesty standards as they apply to men? Men have the same standards.
The fact of the matter is, society doesn't expect a man to dress the way a woman does. Society expects me, as a woman, to reveal more of my body to be "liberated", when in reality I am not liberated at all. I am expected to wear clothing that does nothing but put my sacred body on display for the enjoyment of others, but I'm told that I should wear those things so that I can empower myself, or express my individuality, or be fashionable. Men can be fashionable, empowered and individual without being expected to wear immodest clothing.
The Lord's standards of modesty, contrary to making women inferior, actual equalizes them with men, placing equal worth and value on their bodies and emphasizing that our inherent value and worth doesn't come from what we wear, but who we are.
In addition to referring to what our clothing covers, modesty also refers to our actions. We need to be modest in our behavior as well as modest in our dress. Women and men are exhorted in the Bible to be "sober" and "sober minded", meaning "unhurried, calm" or "showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice". In society, we are often encouraged to be the opposite: flashy, extreme, "out there". Our unique qualities, talents and abilities should show without us needing to announce them at the top of our lungs while wearing a meat dress and dying our hair bright pink.
Ultimately, we are responsible for ourselves. We are responsible for our own actions. I am grateful that I belong to a religion that teaches personal responsibility and revelation. Joseph Smith once gave a quote that I have always loved. He said, "I teach them correct principles and they govern themselves." Even Heavenly Father has told us that " it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward. Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness; For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward. But he that doeth not anything until he is commanded, and receiveth a commandment with doubtful heart, and keepeth it with slothfulness, the same is damned" (D&C 58:26-29, emphasis added).
The principles of modesty are given to us, and we are guided in how to apply them in our lives, but ultimately, the choice follow the commandments is left up to us. We are required to receive revelation and confirmation of all the commandments we are given. If we are given principles by the Lord's servants, that doesn't excuse us from receiving a confirmation of it from Heavenly Father Himself. The ultimate authority is the Lord, and once we receive His confirmation that a principle is true, the onus rests on us to follow it or not.
