I have two boys and one girl. My boys are and have always been more naturally drawn to typical "boy stuff". They were always more interested in throwing the stuffed animals than cuddling them. They'd rather turn the fork and fake food from the toy picnic basket into a catapult than play picnic. They were apparently born with a natural propensity to turn anything into a firearm despite repeated admonitions from their parents that "guns are not toys" and not being allowed to watch anything featuring gun violence.
My husband is unusual for a man, these days at least. He isn't interested in sports. He finds pornography to be disrespectful and disgusting. He is not afraid to show emotions, including sadness and grief. He is a caring and devoted father and husband. He happily helps with housework, he cooks, he cleans, he changes diapers. For the first six months of our daughters life, he was out of work, and so she got to the point where she couldn't fall asleep unless she was in Daddy's arms.
I'm sure many of these nurturing, caring tendencies were naturally present in my husband. Some of them were learned from being raised by a single mother for many years of his life. Some of them he learned from his loving and devoted stepfather, himself a caring and gentle giant of a man. Some of them he developed from being willing to learn and grow in a marriage and as a father.
But all of these traits were augmented and solidified by my husband's faith in and following of the ultimate example of manhood: our Lord and Savior.
Christ is the best and most perfect example of a man that we could ever ask for. He exemplifies what it really means to be a man. His ministry on Earth gave us the pattern that all men would do well to follow.
So what do real men, followers of Christ, do?
1. Real men are compassionate.
Society tells men that they must act "tough" towards others to be manly. Yet Christ was compassionate to the utmost. He cared for the sick. He comforted the fearful. He gave a second chance to the condemned. He welcomed the social pariahs. He didn't present a gruff demeanor, on the contrary he was warm and welcoming. In Matthew 25:40, Christ reminds us that we must care for those who are sick, in prison, naked, homeless, for "[i]nasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." Society teaches our boys that they need to be tough, that they need to have a stony exterior. They are taught that violence and cruelty are the measure of manliness. Look at the games, movies and toys that are geared towards boys: toy AK-47s, Grand Theft Auto, the Fast and Furious saga. Manliness is equated with being violent, crude and offensive. Particularly today, on Good Friday, I am reminded of how, as Christ hung on the cross in agony, suffering from excruciating pain as He slowly died of asphyxiation, He forgave the men who were crucifying Him (Luke 23:34). He did not lash out in anger. He did not curse and violently revile the very men who were killing Him. He reached out to them with love, caring for them to the very end. Then, in the agony of His dying moments, He compassionately made sure that His mother would be cared for (John 19:25-27). Christ was compassionate to the last, even when in pain, even when falsely accused and sentenced to death. He still forgave and He still loved. Real men give compassion to those around them.
2. Real men cry.
One of my favorites verses from the scriptures is John 11:35: "Jesus wept." Christ had just heard of the death of one of His dear friends, Lazarus. Overcome with emotion, He showed His grief and wept. When Christ was teaching the Nephites in the Americas, he told them "Blessed are ye because of your faith. And now behold, my joy is full. And when he had said these words, he wept, and the multitude bare record of it, and he took their little children, one by one, and blessed them, and prayed unto the Father for them. And when he had done this he wept again" (3 Nephi 17:20-22, emphasis mine). Christ was joyful, overwhelmed by the faith and love of the people He taught, and so He wept. I am very grateful for the wonderful examples my boys have of men who are not afraid to cry. They have, on many occasions, witnessed their father, other men in our Church, and Church leaders in General Conference get emotional and even cry when talking about difficult subjects, intense spiritual experiences and moving stories. I think one of the most pernicious and yet prevalent things we tell our boys is "men don't cry". I will admit that I am not an excessively emotional person. I have little tolerance for crying over things like "He looked at me funny!" or "Mommy won't let me have another six cookies!". But when real men grieve, when they are moved by the Spirit, when they experience overwhelming joy, they are not afraid or so unfeeling that they cannot show their emotions.
3. Real men care for children.
Christ loved children. He patiently sat and taught them, both in the Jerusalem and in the Americas. He told his disciples, "Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for of such is the kingdom of God" (Mark 10:14). He always made teaching and blessing them a priority in His ministry. According to the US Department of the Census, 43% of children live without their father. Real men who have children take responsibility for those children. They care for, love, lead and teach those children. It is the antithesis of manliness to abandon one's children, to expect their mother to bear the immense burden of raising those children herself. It takes two to make a child, it takes two to raise a child. If I seem passionate about this subject, it is because I am. I have seen the effects of a neglectful father on my husband, how much it hurt him and continues to hurt him. But I have also been blessed to see the effects of an involved, loving and caring stepfather. His stepfather taught him, guided him, and laid down the foundation for many of the positive structures of his personality. My own father, a divorced single dad, was a caring and devoted father. He played with us, he hugged us, he raised us and taught us. He didn't leave the duty to our mother alone. My father was not perfect, but I love him for the examples that he gave of being a real man. Real men do not abandon their children. They do not ignore them, belittle them, abuse them or shun the responsibility of caring for them. Real men step up to love, guide and watch over the children in their care.
4. Real men do the work that needs to be done.
Christ was a worker, a hard worker. He didn't refuse to do work because it was "women's work" or "beneath him". Christ was a teacher of children. He was a nurse and healer to the sick and afflicted. He was a servant to the very disciples who followed Him. In our family, the only "women's work" is having children. Everything else is up for grabs. My husband is equally adept with a chainsaw and a broom. He knows how to wash his own clothes. He can cook just fine. Because I choose to stay home and run our household, many of the household duties naturally fall on me. But I know my husband will willingly step up to any household task that is needed. He does not shy away from caring for our children, from skinned knees to dirty diapers to nap times. Work is work, and it needs to be done. Christ was a hard worker - He walked extensively so He could teach those who needed to be taught. He worked hard healing and ministering to those in need of it. In His moment of greatest agony, as He suffered and bled in Gethsemane, He knew and accepted that He was the only one who could bear the immense burden and finish the work He was sent to do. My husband is a hard worker for our family. He works long hours doing tedious work to support our family. He does everything he can to avoid putting the responsibility of caring for our family onto anyone else. Even when he struggled for ten months to find a job, he never stopped working at home. He has worked desk jobs, teaching jobs, construction jobs, manufacturing jobs, and I have always been impressed by his work ethic and his willingness to give 100% to whatever job he has been given. Real men work, and they work hard.
5. Real men know money isn't the most important thing.
A beautiful example of Christ's teachings on money is given in the story of the rich young ruler who came to Christ. The young man asked Christ what he should do to inherit eternal life. Christ reminded him of the commandments, which the young man said he had kept since his youth. Asking what he still lacked, Christ said, "[S]ell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, follow me" (Luke 18:22). The young man went away sorrowing, unwilling to part with his earthly treasures, and Christ uttered the famous declaration, "[I]t is easier for a camel to go through a needle’s eye, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God" (Luke 18:25). Men in this world are told to place their hearts on money. Money is seen as a status symbol, as the most important thing, more important than anything else. Christ reminded us that we cannot serve God and mammon - we cannot truly be servants of Christ if we set our hearts on worldly treasures and worldly praise. It is no sin to work hard, to earn money, even lots of money, and to save wisely and be financially prudent. But far too often, we see money become the most important thing. In his epistle to Timothy, Paul wrote that "the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows" (1 Timothy 6:10). When people set their hearts on money, on making it, investing it, keeping it, they become willing to set aside the most important things for the least important. They put aside family, they operate unethically, they violate their principles and beliefs, all in the pursuit of wealth. Real men know that money isn't what matters in this world. We are not blessed with riches and wealth so we can bless ourselves. We are given it by a loving God who wants us to bless others. There are so many who struggle, through no fault of their own. Imagine if we took all the knowledge, all the creativity and drive and ingenuity that we use to make ourselves richer and richer and richer, and instead turned it towards bettering mankind? If we truly opened our hearts to our brothers and sisters that surround us and used our wealth and our possessions to bless them and ourselves? What a beautiful world we would live in.
6. Real men live with integrity.
Because He did not sin, Christ was the example of perfect integrity. He was honest to the very end. When He stood before Caiaphas, facing the charge of blasphemy and with it, death, He answered plainly that He was the Christ. When He was confronted by Pontius Pilate and asked if He was the King of the Jews, He refused to lie to save himself, but declared unequivocally that He was. Christ dealt with integrity with all those around Him. Even when it was not convenient to Him, even when it put His life at risk, He always operated with integrity. Too often boys get the message that laws are of little consequence. They grow up thinking that lying is ok. Honesty and integrity are looked down on as weaknesses. Real men have integrity by being honest with themselves, first and foremost. They are honest about their weaknesses and about their strengths. They maintain integrity with those around them. They do not purposefully deceive the people they interact with about their intentions, their motives or their actions. They maintain integrity in their dealings with the world. They have integrity in business life, in their personal life and in their hobbies. Integrity is what holds men up, and allows them to stand tall in a world where so many stoop under burdens of dishonesty - to themselves, to those around them, to the world as a whole.
7. Real men respect women.
Christ honored and respected the women in His life. He frequently visited with and taught Mary and Martha, who were His close friends. Christ rose the daughter of Jairus from the dead. He frankly forgave the woman caught in adultery. He took time to teach the Samaritan woman at the well. The Bible records the stories of many amazing women of faith, such as Lois, Dorcas and Phoebe, who were disciples of Christ both during and after His earthly ministry. Women were and are essential to the gospel's plan of salvation, and Christ was always respectful when speaking to and about women. In the world, disrespect of women is rampant. Women are portrayed as objects of lust and desire, they are abused and assaulted, they are trafficked, objectified and degraded. They are portrayed as weaker, less intelligent, less capable. Men are no longer regularly taught to respect women, to show them courtesy and kindness. Too often, men speak of women in derisive terms, think of them as mere objects for sexual gratification, and fail to nurture the bonds with those who should be closest to them. Real men respect women. They honor them, in their words, their deeds and their thoughts. Real men do not allow improper thoughts to enter their minds because women are not objects to be used as someone pleases, mentally or physically. Real men do not speak down of women or make crude and crass statements about womankind because God placed woman next to man, not below him. Real men encourage the young women in their lives to get educated, dream big and never doubt their potential because God made women extraordinary. Real men defend women, from the assaults of others and from their own temptations, not because women are weak, but because we all stand together, and we all defend each other from cruelty, hate and violence. Real men are champions of women, of what they stand for, of what their potential is, and of what matters most to them.
Real men exist. Society may not encourage them to exist, but they do. They can be found everywhere, in every walk of life, in the gospel and out of it. But real men are becoming an endangered species. My plea is that the men of this world step up and be real men. Compassionate, feeling, caring, hard working, giving and respectful men.
Men of Christ.
