It's been a little while since I last wrote, but I've felt for several months that I really need to pick this blog up and run with it because I feel it's crucial to my own testimony, even if it doesn't end up helping anyone else's.
Lately, our family has been experiencing the full "when it rains, it pours" experience. We've had a whirlwind of financial set backs, emotional struggles and medical challenges to deal with, along with the never ending winter
I am a creature of order and explanation, and nothing bothers me more than the simple state of not knowing. When circumstances beset me that are completely beyond my control, and I can find no explanation as to why they are happening, the only explanation I can come to is that God just won't. Not that He can't, but that He simply won't. I find that my reaction to that conclusion often falls between anger and a deep and abiding sadness.
In mortality, when someone lets us down, there are typically two possible reason behind it: either they couldn't do what they had said they would do, or the wouldn't do it. As far as mortals go, the reasons for either of these are as varied and imperfect as we are as people. Sometimes we have selfish motivations for letting someone down. Sometimes circumstances beyond our control force us into inaction. Sometimes we cannot do something for someone because their own actions have made it impossible or unconscionable for us to act.
But God is not mortal. He is not imperfect, nor is He subject to the whims of mortal feeling and the variations of mood that we go through. His actions are perfect, and perfectly just. Many times He acts in ways we do not understand simply because we cannot see the end that lies beyond the horizon for us. But from His eternal vantage point, He shapes and molds us in preparation for things to come that we cannot see. Yes, sometimes God simply won't: he won't end a trial immediately, he won't take away all the bad, he won't stop us from experiencing set backs and pitfalls and road blocks. But we must never confuse these things with a callous disregard for us or our mortal experience. God loves us more deeply than we will ever be capable of understanding. Christ hurt for our hurts and suffered for our sufferings, not just the consequences of our sin but also the trials, tribulations, pains, fears and afflictions we would have to go through in life, so that He would be the one and only being who could ever say that they truly understood what we were going through.
This understanding is essential, but we are mortal, finite beings. We cannot see eternity in its fullness. So when we are in the midst of these trials, when we've come up against the reality that sometimes, God won't, what do we do?
"That long groove over there is when I dragged you for awhile."
I've always liked the cartoon at the beginning of my entry. I love the "footprints in the sand" analogy, that when we are too weak, the Lord picks us up and carries us until we can walk beside Him again. But sometimes, we don't want to walk and we refuse to be carried. Sometimes we want to sit down, have a pity party and refuse to get up until the sun is shining and God promises ice cream on the way home. It's times like those that I feel like God has to drag me for a time before I've moved past my narrow mortal mindset and can stride next to Him again. So sometimes, when we are in the midst of trials and God won't, for whatever eternal reason, take them away, we need to recognize that we're only human. We will be stubborn, we will be angry, we will be obstinate and cantankerous and obfuscatory. But we get up, we dust ourselves off, and we keep moving, recognizing with gratitude that sometimes God drags us to where we need to be, even when we didn't want to go.Letting go of "why"
It's probably one of the hardest things to do if you're an inquisitive person. Since we are young children, we are encouraged to ask and seek the answers to "why". It is a natural drive that has led the human race to discover and invent beyond our wildest dreams. So when we're faced with a situation we don't understand, it is only natural to ask "why": "Why is this happening?" "Why am I here?" "What am I going through this now?" "Why won't this stop?" In our imperfect mortal ways, as we seek answers to these questions, if we fail to receive them, we are inclined to turn on our Heavenly Father and draw our own conclusions: that He does not love us, does not care for us, or worse, that He gets some sort of enjoyment out of seeing us suffer. None of these could be farther from the truth. In those moments, no matter how difficult, sometimes we have to let go of "why". Don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with praying, with asking for understanding, with asking God "why" and hoping for an answer. But sometimes, we don't get one, because it isn't yet time for us to know. And it is those times that we have to be willing to let go of "why" and let the Lord guide our steps. Ether 12:6 tells us that "ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." Sometimes we must walk by faith alone for a time, trusting that the light will someday come out and our understanding will be made whole.
Unconditional faith
No matter what we go through, we have to be wary of the temptation to make our faith conditional. When we pray, it is natural to want to bargain. We wheedle with the Lord: "If I do this, and serve this person, and do all the things You told me to do, then You can take away this trial." But the flip side of that is being tempted to threaten: "If You don't do what I asked, then I won't follow Your commandments. If You won't take away this trial, then I won't listen to You anymore." This is a toxic trap to fall into. I really liked the article "The Power of Faith" from this month's Ensign. The author says, "To have faith does not mean we believe our Heavenly Father will always give us what we ask for when we ask for it. ... [W]e can have faith that Christ has the power to heal, that He is mindful of us, that He will strengthen us, and that if we endure well, we may qualify for eternal life." We must never make our faith conditional on an expectation that God will answer our prayers if we are praying for the opposite of what we need for our eternal glorification. My children have often lamented being forced to brush their teeth, or eat healthy foods, or dress warmly because it infringed on their temporary view of happiness and satisfaction. In much the same way, we often expect God to answer our prayers no matter what, just because we're praying for something we want. 2 Corinthians 5:7 reminds us that we "walk by faith, not by sight". God's ways are not man's ways, and we must keep our faith even when God won't give us the answer we want.
We are only human
In all of these trials, we need to remember that we are only human. We are going to get angry or frustrated sometimes and "kick against the pricks" as Paul put it. As we give ourselves a break, let us remember to do the same for others. We are all imperfect beings travelling this murky road together. We should extend the same understanding and patience with others as we do with ourselves. One scripture I use very often in my discussions with people is Romans 3:23: "For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God". It is a poignant reminder that we are all in desperate need of the grace and forgiveness of Christ. From the lowliest to the mightiest among us, we are all sinners. It is a defensive human reaction to compare ourselves to those around us and seek to find the ways in which we are better than our neighbor. We want to lift ourselves up, and so we search for backs and heads to stand on. But the reality is that the Lord wants us all to help one another. We are in this life together, and we were sent here not just to help ourselves, but to help those around us. We must give patience, love and understanding, so that we can all ascend together.
1 Peter 1:7 reminds us that "the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ". Through all our trials, we must never lose sight of the ultimate goal of eternal life and glory in the life to come. Sometimes, many times, that is a really, really hard thing to do. Our trials overwhelm us and we feel like we're drowning under the current of troubles that sweep over us. If all we can do is just hang on to the last threads of hope that we have left, then may we never let go.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a kite, flying by a thin string, threatening all the time to be blown away and lost forever, but I know that if I can just hang on to that one string, the Lord will cause me to soar.
